Reports stated that Glabrio, a highly decorated military officer from 55 A.D., crawled out of the sewer opening at approximately 8:35 p.m. clad in full Roman Imperial battle armor, immediately causing motorists to swerve, slam on their brakes, scream vulgar remarks, and make obscene hand gestures in his direction.
“Halt, yellow beast!” said Glabrio, drawing his sword and advancing toward a honking taxi cab that skidded to a stop as angry drivers and stunned passersby urged the Roman centurion to “Get the hell outta the road” and “Go back to Little Italy, Julius!” “You shan’t pass this way, lest you decide to face me. And let me warn you, you great golden demon, I’m certainly not a foe you want to face today!”
“But lo, what is this behemoth?” added Glabrio, appearing visibly panicked upon sighting an approaching tractor trailer. “It is the son of Jupiter himself!”
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