A Water Sommelier? WTF!

The ridiculous notion that any restaurant needs a water sommelier seems like a bit on a hidden camera show. But it's not. It's really a thing. Or at least, this German guy Martin Riese thinks it is. He is wildly promoting the idea, and talks of each water's "terrior" (as in, the land and climate wine varieties are growing in). He is surely in the press enough to keep his job at a chic California dining spot, while he also hawks his own brand of water--"Beverly 90H20 Crafted Spring Water". "Crafted?" Really?

Now I'm not saying that some waters--especially mineral spring waters--can carry a strong taste of odd minerals, salts, sulfur or magnesium. (Most don't, and the ones that do are used to move one's bowels). But seriously? Do people really need a sommelier to help pair a water to go with food or (get this) with the wine they are drinking? When I lived in France years ago, I quickly learned that the Vittel ads showing arrows going into a man's mouth and coming out of his crotch meant something: That this particularly awful tasting stuff makes you pee like crazy--something the French think is simply wonderful. I stayed away from that brand after learning my painful lesson.

Most bottled waters sold in the U.S. are not mineral waters anyway. Many have very natural sounding names that give the impression they come directly from some pristine high mountain spring. But then you discover that they come from the municipal water source of someplace like Newark, New Jersey.

In Italy, the choices are many, but did I sense a drastic change in flavor between brand names? Not really. So in restaurants the only question asked was, "acqua naturale o gassata?" Plain water or gassy. The taste was always the same. Wet water or with bubbles. Am I thirsty or do I want to burp after my meal? That's the real question.

Water water everywhere and we have to bottle it, brand it and hire someone to tell us which one to drink...

No thanks.

--Jerry Finzi

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